Welcome to Cobham Brendan. Excellent choice of town to live in.

Here's a quick guide to the area to get you settled in - if you can afford the house prices.

1/ Your neighbours

They are lovely people - a fair few high-net worth stockbrokers and bankers - but the town of Cobham is in love with football, most of the time.

They put out flags in the village High Street when Chelsea win a title. If that ever happens again it will be worth popping down to see.

2/ Xmas lights switch-on

In past years a football player from Chelsea has popped down to usher in the festive period, alongside a Lord of the Rings star, a Dad's Army favourite or former Allo Allo actor. Are you free this year?

3/ Speeding 

Keep your speed down - Chelsea players used to believe the local police had a top trumps style list of players.

If you speed along the A3, they will catch you like they did this bloke, and this bloke, and this guy, and this one too. You get the idea.

4/ Disabled bays

They are for disabled people - and if you get a chance to have a word in John Terry's ear-hole about this, please do.

5/ Stoke D'Abernon

Chelsea's training ground - the Bunker - is in the neighbouring village of Stoke D'Abernon - not Cobham. If you have cause to make regular visits there please get this right

6/ Keep working

If no other jobs open up head down to Cobham FC and Barry Wilde may just give you a seat in the dug-out