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Secret Curmudgeon: How does one dispose of the fatberg? I have a few ideas
5:00am Sunday 29th September 2013 in News
So, bad news for that strange breed who like roadworks-free roads.
Thames Water has said it will take a further five months to fix the damage caused by the 15-tonne “fatberg” blockage beneath London Road.
This got me thinking. How exactly does one dispose of a lump of fat that size?
Here are some of my suggestions: q Sell lumps of it to cross-Channel swimmers at £5 a pop and use the money to create a fatberg memorial – unveiled by, say, MP Ed Davey.
q As it is the size of a London bus why not sculpt it into the shape of a double-decker and put it on public display?
q Dump it in the River Thames and get those three herberts from Top Gear to float it up to the Houses of Parliament in... (adopts Clarkson voice) “the quickest time possible”.
q Donate it to Eric Pickles for a fry-up.
q Flush it down the sink in another part of the country to create another fatberg somewhere else. Boroughs could bid for it. Did you see how many national newspapers picked up on our story? Think of the publicity.
q Give it to the Royal Institution to use in its Christmas lecture, recreating the famous “Faraday’s fatberg” experiment of 1859, where electrodes were attached to both ends and the electric current made it “move like Jagger”.
q Just leave it where it is and open it up to the public every year for heritage open house weekend. The advertising tag line could be: “Just like Coombe Conduits – but with lard”.
Any other readers’ suggestions would be welcomed.
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