I would like to express my frustration at the difficulties in obtaining tickets for the Masque of the Red Death. They seem to have sold out ages ago, even though it is still on for another six weeks.
My calls to your fine institution to enquire about returned tickets are unfruitful and I am becoming increasingly envious of the few friends of mine who were astute enough to call back in October.
I have heard them describe the show with such vim, that I want my piece of the action. I can't go on like this, please can I offer my services as a washer-upper, janitor or general dogsbody in exchange for a golden ticket.
You are the modern day Willy Wonka; please, oh please, show me the chocolate factory.

There is no need for such drastic measures. I am delighted to inform you that the Masque of the Red Death is being extended until April 12th due to overwhelming demand.
That is an extra three months of Victorian pestilence and decadence in the chocolate factory', as you evocatively call it.
As of now, you can buy a ticket on 020 7223 2223 and I wish you the best of luck in finally obtaining a ticket. I hope you enjoy the show. And don't forget, once you're inside, the brave are rewarded for not following the crowd...